The Confessions of the Romantic Kind
by UpA11Night
Summary: Set in season 4 at the end of The Limey. This is what happens when Kate decides she wants to confess her feelings to Castle, but he's busy building a wall inside him, just like the one he tore down in her.
1. Chapter 1

**HEY EVERYONE! HERE'S A NEW STORY I HAVE BEEN THINKING OF THE LAST FEW DAYS! IT TAKES PLACE AT THE END OF ****_THE LIMEY_****, FROM THERE ON IT GOES AU. I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT, IVE BEEN TYPING IT FOR ABOUT TWO DAYS NOW TRYING TO GET IT RIGHT! It's DEFINTALTY GOING TO BE A MULTI CHAPTER BUT THE LENGTH OF IT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU GUYS LIKE IT!**

**I do not own, duh.**

_"Where's Scotland Yard off too?" Castle asks while sliding his phone into his inner jacket pocket._

_"He's going back to London. Um, Castle do you have a second, can we talk?" Kate Beckett asks looking almost worried._

_She barely finishes her question before Castle cuts in walking past her. "Actually I don't. Jacinta has the Ferrari double parked in a loaded zone." He turned back around to look at Beckett even though he really wanted to get down to his latest lady friend._

_"Wow, four dates in three days, you like her." It was supposed to be said as a question but came out more as a statement._

_"Yeah," He said with a hint of a smile on his face, "Why?" There was silence between them. There they were standing by her desk in the precinct yet Kate was about to have the most personal conversation with him she has ever had. She was about to confess her feelings to Castle._

_He looked at her a second longer and then tilted his just the slightest bit down to look at her. He could tell she was about to say something but quickly switched it to, "Eh, she just doesn't seem like your type." There was a hint of sadness and hurt in her eyes when she said it, but she quickly masked it._

_Starting to turn back around and make his way to the elevator he says back, "Well, she's fun and uncomplicated. I think that's what my life needs right now." He quickly threw her a smile and turned back around and walked to the elevator. He knew that was not the nicest thing to say to her but he was done waiting for her when he started to realize she would never come around. _

Those words cut threw her like a knife. She felt a lump in her throat but quickly swallowed it. She thought back to her conversation with Lanie and realized that she was right. She needed to confess her feelings now before things could get any worse between them. He was pulling away, she was about to leap forward. He was done waiting, she was about to go. He needed fun and uncomplicated and she was trying to sort things out and be happy, with him, for him. She could feel all the courage she built up earlier to talk to him dissipating at a fast rate. She knew she had two options.

Let him leave with another girl and she could meet Detective Hunt for a drink or she could fix the broken relationship she desperately wanted and needed with him before it even started.

She took the couple steps back to her desk quickly grabbed her stuff and strode the elevator Castle just stepped into. Right before it closed she stuck her hand in between the doors and let them slide back open and stepped into the elevator next to Castle. She looked at him for a brief second; he looked so confused, and pressed the button for the doors to close. "Beckett? You heading home already, you're not gonna do any paperwork?"

She turned and faced him, suddenly feeling very nervous. She bit her lower lip and looked up at him. "Castle we need to talk." The elevator doors closed and they started their decent. "It's really important."

He looked back at her and could tell he really didn't want to talk to her or even be around her right now and it hurt her deep down. "I said I didn't have time and Jac-"

"I know I know she's double parked. But what we need to talk about is more important than any of your blonde bimbos that won't be around next week." She saw his head snap around to look at her and only then did she realize what she just said, and oh boy, with that look he was giving her did she instantly regret it. "I'm really sorry Castle, I didn't mean that and it was uncalled for."

He put his hand up to halt her apology. "You're right it was and I suggest you leave when the elevator opens. I'm not in the mood to talk," _to me _she thought, "and whatever is that damn important to talk about can wait, you've had four years to talk to me and I don't understand why right now is so damn important. If it's waited four years I imagine it can wait a night." His voice was laced with anger but she thought she heard a bit of hurt in there too. The elevator dinged signaling they arrived, and the doors slid open. "Good night Detective." '_Ooooh being called Detective that hurts, he's defiantly mad_.' she thought. With that he walked out and to his Ferrari and leaned over the door and said a few things to the blonde and watched as she smiled and slid over to the passenger seat.

Kate watched it right in front of her, she watched him charm another girl and opened the driver door and start the car and drive away. Wow she screwed this up. Big time. She stood there feeling so lost and confused and had no idea what to do. She eventually decided she would just go home for the night and talk to Castle in the morning. It was already too late, the time and her chance with Castle.

* * *

Castle dropped Jacinta off at her place and headed straight home. He didn't want to deal with anyone right now, he was too mad. How dare she say those things to him! He proved to himself, her, and everyone else was no longer that type of man, the playboy. He waited for her and became a better man in the process, he's changed. He's not the one hiding who was in relationships with people he doesn't love, he's wasn't using people! Why does she still think so little of him after everything he's done and proved? Why after not dating anyone for almost a year and a half and the first 'girlfriend' he gets she assumes he's that kind of guy again. She obviously remembers his confession almost a year ago, he heard her say it, and so she clearly doesn't feel the same way about him. She probably feels guilty that she doesn't feel the same so she didn't want to embarrass him by telling him she doesn't feel the same so she kept it to herself. Or maybe she knew it would eat away at him so she deliberately kept it from him as a way to make him feel worse about himself. Okay so maybe that one is a little farfetched, but either way he knows she doesn't feel the same. Maybe to make her feel better, and him, so he can get out of her hair he will sit down and talk to her sometime soon. That way he can move on and she will stop feeling guilty for not returning his feelings. Either way they should talk and he can move on. He pulls into his parking spot in the garage and heads up to the loft, he's done enough thinking and socializing for the night, he just needs to go to bed, and that's what he does.

**HEY GUYS! HOPE YOU LIKED IT PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS! THE NEXT CHAPTER TAKES PLACE AT THE PRECINCT. IM ALREADY WRITING AND I KNOW WHICH WAY I WANT THIS STORY TO GO. THOUGHTS? :D **


	2. Chapter 2

**OKAY SO HERE'S CHAPTER! I'VE HAD IT TYPED FOR A LITTLE BIT NOW BUT MY INTERNET KEEPS SCREWING UP SO ITS TAKEN LONGER TO POST. ANYWAYS, THIS IS GOOD OL'CASKETT NOT SEEING EYE TO EYE AND MAKING EVERYTHING MORE COMPLICATED AND WORSE THAN IT NEEDS TO BE, BUT DON'T FRET. ENJOY!**

Castle woke up the next morning half on the bed and the blankets and pillows all strewn out around him, yeah sleeping while he's mad doesn't always go well for him. He sat up and contemplated going to the precinct, it's not like he was truly wanted or needed by her. But when he thought about it, this was the first time he felt like he was doing something to make a difference, in real life, not fiction. His mother told him he couldn't just turn off her emotions and work next to her, but she was wrong. He could feel his emotions of affection and _love_, wait no not love anymore, turn into anger and hurt. Maybe if he let those emotions change even more they will turn into indifference about her and who she dates, that way she won't be able to hurt him anymore-because he won't even care. He decided he would go in. He had the boys there who still liked him and didn't lie or hurt him on a daily basis; he was also helping to make a difference, which was most important.

Kate was sitting at her desk filling out some old paperwork to keep herself busy while the boys were throwing a stress ball back and forth talking about who knows what. "Yo Beckett where's Castle?" Kate's head popped up and glanced at the clock, hmm it was already 10:30 and no sign of Castle.

"I don't know Espo maybe he got tied up with something."

"Or by someone." Ryan added under his breath receiving a high five from Esposito.

Kate leveled a glare at them but soon the glare was washed over with an expression of hurt, which the other two detectives didn't miss. "Uhhh sorry Beckett?" Both boys said in unison but they had no idea why she looked so hurt, it was just a joke.

Beckett's face returned to a glare and got up and picked up the files of paperwork she was doing to keep her busy and walked over to their desks and plopped three on each of their desks. "Here, now you guys are tied up with _paperwork_." She strode back to her desk and sat down and went to check her email on her computer. While both the detectives of her team threw glares at her and huffed under their breaths. Yep they knew not to mess with her today.

A few minutes later the elevator dinged and the doors slid open revealing Castle but he only had one coffee cup in his hand. He walked over to Beckett's desk and took his coat off and set it on the chair. Beckett looked up at him but became confused when he didn't hand her a coffee. "Castle? Coffee?"

He just looked down at her and with a shrug of his shoulder he simply said, "Didn't think you'd want it."

"Detective let me explain. I went to wear I usually get our coffee but it was a new barista and they made it wrong and _I got tired of waiting._" Kate's heart dropped at the last part. She was about to say something and but Castle cut back in, "So then I went to the café a block from here but when they handed me your cup the barista wrote _a note _on your cup_, _if you will, and even though it doesn't and wouldn't affect you I thought you'd be mad at her passes at me." _Even though it makes no sense why, it's not like you even care about me in the slightest way like that_ he added in his head. "Anyway so I threw yours out on the way here and thought I'd just make one for you myself." He set his cup down on the edge of her desk and walked away towards the break room. Kate didn't know whether to be hurt, mad, or frustrated but she didn't even know who those emotions should be directed towards! Castle, the baristas, or herself. She didn't know how to react so she just stared at her computer until she had her coffee.

Castle came back a couple minutes later with a mug in his hand and set it down next to her computer on her desk. She was going to thank him but once she looked up she saw him grab the back of his chair and pull it over to Ryan and Esposito's' desks and sat down and pulled out some tickets from his pocket and handed them over, all three had smiles on their faces. Kate watched the exchange and felt a swell in her chest as she realized how close he was to them and how they all cared for each other, and how they were a great team.

To her disliking Castle kept his chair over there all day and never once looked over at her or talked to her. Every time she tried to ask him something he would either respond with one or two words or direct the question to one of the boys. By the end of the day she was feeling deeply sad and just wanted to talk to Castle. She was off shift in one more hour. She saw Castle walk over to the break room to get a coffee, she stood up instantly and followed him in and shut the door behind her. "Castle is there something you want to talk about?"

He didn't even look at her just stayed focused on the coffee machine. "No. I would've already said something if there was, but there's obviously nothing I want to talk to you about."

_Oh ouch._ "Well I want to talk about something Castle. Actually there's more than one thing I think we need to talk about."

"Sure whatever but not right now."

"Then when Castle?" Her voice rose slightly. "I've been trying to talk to you all day and you keep brushing me off, why won't you talk to me?"

"Detective we're in the precinct. Maybe we should talk later, like we always do." He added the last part with sarcasm lacing his voice. With that he opened the door and walked back over to his chair at the boys' desks. Beckett ran a hand through her hair and let out a frustrated sigh. This was her fault and she knew it. She knew by his last comment that he never planned on talking about it at all because they never did, but that needed to change. And it would.

An hour later she was off shift and really needed to talk to Castle. It was only 5 pm so they would have all night to talk because she also had tomorrow off. She stood up and started collecting her things and tidying up her desk. "Boys I'm done for the day you guys can head out too, any new cases will go to Karpowski."

"Actually we were gonna stay longer to finish this _paperwork._" Ryan responded. She leveled a glare back at him.

"You coming Castle?" She turned her head slightly and looked at him sitting in the chair looking at Ryan confused, why would they have paperwork if there were no cases?

"Uh nah, I think I'm gonna stay with them until they finish and then head to the Old Haunt."

He was obviously avoiding her like he was all day and she had enough. She put her jacket on and slung her bag over her shoulder and strode over to Castle and grabbed him by his sleeve with a vice grip and lead him to the elevator and dragged him in behind her. She received looks from the boys but the elevator closed before she could level a look at them. "Beckett what are you doing?"

"We're going to talk."

With that the elevator opened again and she walked over to her car and opened her door but before she got in she turned around and saw Castle standing there. "Come on Castle get in." He walked to the passenger side and slipped in the car.

After a silent drive she pulled up outside of Central Park and parked her car and got out. Castle followed suit. The drive over was quiet, neither of them talked, but she was grateful for it. She thought to herself the whole drive and it really allowed her anger to diffuse and to be washed over with a wave of determination to confess her feelings and fight for him, how he used to do for her. She thought a moment later, he _used _to fight for her, but he doesn't anymore and she would give anything for him to be like that now. She wished he was like Castle again, _her Castle again._ He followed her through the park quietly and he seemed to have relaxed a little too because his shoulders weren't tense and he wasn't all stiff around her how he was all day, he didn't seem mad either. But she knew he still was angry because instead of walking too close to be acceptable for just colleagues like he used to, he walked with three feet between them and a little behind her because he didn't know where they were going. He wasn't so mad anymore because when he thought about how he acted today he wasn't all too pleased with his behavior. Maybe she didn't deserve to be treated the way she was today. He was brought out of his thoughts when she stopped abruptly in front of him. She turned around and faced him, "Hold my shoes." She grabbed his shoulder to help her balance and took off her heels and handed them to Castle. She turned back around, considerably shorter than him now, and grabbed up a couple rocks and climbed up a little and looked back and motioned for her heels again, he handed them back quickly and she tossed them on top of the rock and climbed up the rest of the way and walked away from the edge. Castle waited a few moments and looked around, there weren't as many people out as he thought would be but it was kind of chilly, despite the sun shining. He started climbing up and when he got to the top he saw her standing there in the middle of the big flat rock looking up at the buildings. She had her heels hanging on two fingers in one hand and her other hand was reached up to her neck; he knew instantly that she was playing with her mom's ring. His heart clenched at the sight of her. It was half filled with love and half filled with guilt and he knew is omission at the cemetery was probably the cause of all of this, she didn't deserve all this drama, she deserved to be happy so he was going to make sure she got that happiness, even if it didn't involve him. He was going to make this easy for her.

**THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR THE FEEDBACK AND RESPONSE TO THE FIRST CHAPTER! IT REALLY MEANS A LOT! I TRY TO REPLY TO ALL REVIEWS I GET BUT TO THE GUEST REVIEWS: THANK YOU SO MUCH AND I WOULD LOVE TO REPLY TO EACH OF YOU INDIVIDUALLY BUT I CAN'T! CHAPTER THREE IS GOING TO BE THE START OF THEIR BIG TALK THAT BECKETT IS PUSHING SO MUCH FOR!**

**To the guest reviewer who brought up Serena Kaye: I indeed remember how he said he loved her and then three months later was fascinated with Serena Kaye. That comes up in the next chapter. **

**And to the guest reviewer who left that angry review: I understand what you are saying but what you mentioned happens in season 5 and this is still season 4 and turns AU, so that stuff may not even happen in this story. I respect your opinion and thank you for the review and if you have any constructive criticism I will take it into account but calling me a hypocrite I do not believe helped anyone. I am going to continue writing this how I intended and I hope you enjoy this story but if you do not enjoy it then you don't have to keep reading it. This is also a romance story too so it's all about Caskett. **

**I BELIEVE IN HAPPY ENDINGS MY DEAR LOVELYS, KEEP THAT IN MIND.**

**WITH THAT SAID, PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW AND I SHOULD HAVE THE THIRD CHAPTER TYPED TONIGHT AND WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW AROUND NOON. THOUGHTS?**


	3. Chapter 3

**HEY EVERYONE! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE FEEDBACK AND SUPPORT I'VE GOTTEN WITH THIS FIC ALREADY! I KNOW I SAID I WOULD HAVE THIS UP AT NOON BUT I ENDED UP FALLING ASLEEP BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE TO WRITE LAST NIGHT, AND THEN I WOKE UP AT NOON, SO I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS ALL DAY. LET ME TELL YOU, THIS WAS A VERY TRICKY CHAPTER TO WRITE! I HOPE I DID IT JUSTICE AND YOU ENJOY IT! NOW ITS QUITE THE EMOTIONIAL ROLLERCOASTER FOR THE OUR FAVORITE WRITER AND MUSE. SO PLEASE KEEP YOUR HAND AND FEET IN THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES AND MAKE SURE ALL PERSONAL BELONGINGS ARE STOWED AWAY. ENJOY!**

After his few seconds of observing her he put his hands in his pockets and walked over to be next to her and just stared up at the buildings like she was. She wanted to reach out and grab his hand but when she looked down his hands were in his pockets. She shook it off and sat down crossing her legs. She motioned for him to sit down next to her but he decided to walk around the rest of the rock looking around.

He stopped his pacing and turned to look at her. "Why'd you bring me here Beckett?"

"To talk."

"I know, you already said that, but why _here,_ we could have gone somewhere a little warmer."

A flash of sadness showed through her eyes. "My mom brought me here when I needed to think or when there were things to talk about, important things."

"This place is pretty cool Beckett," he walked over to her and sat down a couple feet away, leaning back on his hands and had his legs stretched out, "but it's a rock, shouldn't we go somewhere indoors?"

She looked at him, "It's private but still open, and this place always gives me the courage to talk. My mom brought me here so much when I needed to open up that now every time I'm here its easy for me to do just that."

Castle just stayed silent after that statement. Here she was, vulnerable and opening up to him. Why would she do that? It's not like she needed to share this with him, she wants him gone anyway because she has no feelings for him.

"I have happier memories of here too. She brought me here when she got a big promotion and stuff like that. But she also brought me here after I graduated high school and we sat up here for hours, just talking and eating ice cream." A warm smile grew on her face and a small one on his.

A few minutes later he was brought out of his thoughts when she suddenly spoke, "Castle, I remember."

"I know." She gave him a quizzical look and opened her mouth to ask him how but he just kept talking. "I was behind the glass when you admitted it Beckett."

She sighed and internally kicked herself; _of course he would be behind the glass watching her. _It hit her then, certainly he would have been watching her, he _loved_ her and was always there for her, but not anymore.

"I'm really sorry. Castle you have to understand-"she was cut off by Castle.

He shifted and mimicked how she was sitting; legs crossed and leaned forward with his elbows resting on his thighs. "Look Beckett, it was wrong of me to say those things. I watched the life drain out of you; I watched your eyes go from a golden green to complete black. Do you know how scary that is? I felt your living body tense up and become stiff, I thought you were gone, and so I said what I did because it was the last time I would ever see alive, or I thought at least."

There was a pause after his words and then she realized what he went through.

"Castle, look, I realize how scary that was for you. It was a tragic moment but you need to know, "Again she was cut off by him.

"Beckett let me finish. I know those words had an effect on you. You didn't say anything about them because you didn't feel the same and so you acted like you didn't hear them and didn't want to hurt my feelings. But Beckett, I'm a grown man; I can take care of myself. You deserve to be happy, and you're right it was a tragic moment, and so I don't want this little moment between us to ruin anything more. I know you just want to move on and be happy but that's hard when someone like me keeps getting in the way and a little confession like that is stopping you."

He paused for a moment.

"I said what I did in the heat of moment because I was scared but that's exactly it, it was the heat of the moment. You deserve to be happy and I just want to make this easy for you, and with those words hanging between us I don't think you could be happy, knowing someone else out there said- those things- and you don't feel the same. You shouldn't feel bad or guilty and not be in a relationship that makes you happy because of me and my _words_."

She sucked in quick breath. "What are you saying?" The tone of her voice changed from disbelief to one of a whimper. "Are you taking it back?" She looked at him and saw him sitting there looking away from her and at the buildings. She looked down to her lap and the tears started flowing without her permission. Her heart clenched in her chest and felt like she could throw it up at the moment.

He started to stand up and was brushing off his pants. "I'm just trying to make this as easy as possible for you. If you don't have the burden of those words to worry about and someone else's feelings to worry about then maybe you can finally find the right guy."

She knew if she let him leave he would move on and she would never forgive herself for lying to him. He took a couple steps away from her but was stopped when he heard her voice.

Oh her voice, it sounded so broken. "Did you mean it?" It was so shaky and came out half like a whisper.

He turned around and looked at her. "What does it matter if I did? Listen, I should go. And plus feelings change, you know that Beckett." Wow did those words hurt, but he knew she would be better off without those words hanging over her heard. This way she could finally be in that relationship she talked about that she wanted to be in, and now he could move on with his life and finally find someone who truly loved him back.

By now the sun was starting to set, neither realized they had been up there for over an hour, almost two. With everything he said he just wanted to get out of there and go home, maybe down a glass of scotch, or two or three. He turned around again to leave but again her voice stopped him.

This time her voice wasn't as shaky but it was still pretty bad. "What if I felt the same?"

He turned around but the look of anger in his eyes and his jaw clenched was not what she thought his face would have been. "What!" his voice had raised now. "What do you mean, what if you feel the same? Beckett, I am so sick and tired of you stringing me along! I say those words and you lie to me and tell me you don't remember, and I believed you. And the whole time you keep saying _the wall this, the wall that_, and every time I got closer to you, you kept me at a distance!"

"And when I start pulling away you try to stop me and throw me these little _lines _like I'm a fish to bring me back and reel me in. You would tell me personal information, little insights into your childhood, or something about you! And to do what? Have me close enough to help you up when you slip up, but far enough to keep another guy between us to let him catch you when you fall?"

She stands up and looks at him. "I'm so sorry Castle."

He takes a deep breath to try to compose himself, but it didn't really work.

His voice isn't raised but its worse, it's dangerously low. "You don't get to do this Beckett. Not again. You always hurt me and then apologize and just think it's all going to be ok, well it won't! I'm about to leave and you try to stop me, why? You don't feel the same and you know it, you just want to have a writer follow you around like a pathetic loyal puppy. Someone who will forgive you every time you hurt them."

"Please, Castle wait!" She was yelling now.

"I'm not in the mood anymore to do this. Any of it." He thought for a second. She kept this secret from him and he's kept a really big secret from her, if they're getting everything out in the open now he might as well tell her, he knows after this talk they were going to be over anyway so he should just tell her.

"Beckett, this all started over your mother's case and you deserve to know this. I knew we would be over after this talk anyway and if I'm being honest with you I need to tell you. Before Montgomery died he sent a package, the package was full of information harmful to the people behind all of this, but it didn't arrive until after your shooting. The deal was if you stopped investigating, the file would never surface, but if you kept investigating they would kill you, this friend of Montgomery needed someone to make sure you wouldn't investigate anymore, so he asked me."

Her eyes were blazing but it was no surprised she would react like this. "You're apart of this? Castle how could you?" She tried to calm herself down, she cares too much about Castle. "Where can I find him?"

"I don't know. He's a voice on the phone in the middle of the night; he's a shadow in a parking garage."

"You met with him! Castle you could have been killed! How did you know he wasn't actually the one who was behind all this?"

"I didn't but I wanted to protect you."

"You could've came to me and talked to me about it! You sat on this lead for almost a year!"

"Beckett, this is the most important thing in your life, I knew if I talked to you about it you would run straight at them and gotten killed."

"Castle! You're wrong; _you _are the most important thing in my life! You have been for awhile now."

"You can stop pretending that you have feelings for me to make me feel better, I know you want to solve her case, it's the only thing you truly care about."

Did he not believe her? She admits her feelings to him and he's not even listening! She was getting angry, at him, herself, and this whole situation.

He turned around again but instead of being stopped by hearing her voice again, he felt her hand wrap around his wrist and turn him around to her.

"I have a question Castle. What about Serena Kaye? You say you love me and then a few months later you were fascinated with her and almost wrote a book about her? You were going to leave me! Or what about Sophia Turner, it was obvious you still had feelings for her!"

He was so confused, why would she bring this up after he just told her about the file? "What about them Beckett? Why would it even matter to you? You have no right to bring them up or get mad over them! We weren't together and you made it pretty clear you didn't want to be. If they bothered you so much you could've said something, but no you did what you always do. You sat back and didn't say anything and hid away, and that's because you don't feel the same! I had every right to be with them if I wanted to be, that shouldn't matter to you and I don't even know why I have to explain myself to you."

She couldn't believe it; he still didn't think she felt the same, even after everything she's said.

Her eyes were blazing again. "You really think I didn't say anything because I didn't feel the same? Castle, I didn't say anything because I knew that I couldn't start a relationship with you before I was healed! I had to heal to be with you! That relationship I was talking about, the one I said I always wanted, I wanted it with you! I had to keep you around and throw you those little lines because I knew you were pulling away and if I didn't keep you near you would be gone completely, and then there would've been no reason for that wall to be down. If it was down but you weren't there, all the work I put in to heal would've been in vein. Castle, your words are what pushed me through all the times when I thought everything was becoming too much and I thought it wasn't worth it anymore. Your words saved me and pulled me through!"

By the end her eyes weren't blazing but they were shy but determined. Her voice wasn't raised and angry anymore either, it was soft. His demeanor changed too, it became one of gentleness.

He pulled his wrist out of her grasp that it was still in and ran his hand up her and back down her arm. His voice was soft now, "I could have helped you healed."

She looked up at him. "No. If I wanted to heal I had to do it on my own. If I let you help me I would have ended up leaning on you and never have healed correctly. I would have still been broken and using you as a crutch, we wouldn't have lasted. But I did it on my own and now I can stand by myself. I had to heal on my own terms and I did it for you because I want to be with you, I _need _to be with you. I may still not be healed completely but the parts of me that still need to be healed are the parts that _only you_ can heal."

His hand was still running up and down her arm but when it got back down her arm she grabbed his hand and laced her fingers with his. "I'm still mad that you kept this file from me," She whispered.

He looked down at her, "I'm still mad that you lied to me," he whispered back.

"I am sorry Castle. I was so scared, I knew if I gave into my feelings then you'd be it for me and if I lost you or hurt you again than I could never live with myself or forgive myself. I always screw these type of things up."

"It's ok, I'm still hurt though. There's still some things we need to talk about."

"I understand and I expected you to be. I know saying sorry doesn't fix it but it's a start and I will work every day for you to forgive me."

"And I'm sorry; I was just trying to protect you. I knew you wouldn't like it but I can't lose you Kate."

_Kate, _he called her Kate. Not calling her Detective or Beckett like he has been all day. She was so glad to hear her name again.

**DID YOU ENJOY THE RIDE?**

**SO I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD PLACE TO STOP FOR THIS CHAPTER. THIS WAS VERY HARD TO WRITE SO I HOPE IT WAS OKAY. THERE'S STILL MORE FOR THEM TO TALK ABOUT. I WAS VERY NERVOUS ABOUT POSTING IT…SO I'M GONNA GO OVER THERE AND WAIT FOR SOME FEEDBACK, I HOPE I DIDN'T LET TOO MANY PEOPLE DOWN WITH THIS CHAPTER. THOUGHTS?**


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